A personal reflection on surprises, self-discovery, and what happens when you’re not the one steering.
Last weekend we celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
Which still feels slightly surreal to write.
A whole year.
And somewhere in the middle of that weekend, I realised something about myself that I hadn’t fully acknowledged before.
I might be a bit of a control freak!
Even typing that makes me smile because I don’t think of myself as someone especially rigid.
I love adventure. I love spontaneity. I’ve travelled solo all over the world. I’ve thrown myself into situations that came with no guarantees, no certainty, and plenty of unknowns.
So this realisation caught me slightly off guard.
And yet, when I actually looked at the evidence…
It started to make rather a lot of sense.
I am the person who likes to arrive at the airport three hours before a flight.
Who will happily allow an hour for a thirty-minute drive.
Just in case.
And when Larry and I walked the Camino for our honeymoon, while many people simply walked until they felt they’d done enough for the day and then found somewhere to stay, I had pre-booked more than twenty-five different places across five weeks.
Most for just one night.
At the time, I told myself there were perfectly sensible reasons for this.
We wanted to know how far we were walking.
We wanted a double bed and our own bathroom.
It was our honeymoon, after all.
But now I’m wondering whether that was the full story.
Or whether perhaps I simply liked knowing exactly what came next.
Because there’s a difference between being organised and needing things to feel under control.
And last weekend brought that into rather sharp focus.
Larry had organised the entire anniversary as a surprise.
I knew only that we’d be away for three nights and that I should pack as though we were hiking and carrying everything ourselves.
For someone like me, that was actually quite thoughtful. Packing — or more accurately, planning what to pack — is not something I do casually.
So I carefully got everything ready.
And then Larry came in, looked at my neatly packed backpack, and calmly informed me that none of it was needed.
Apparently, I required a suitcase.
And three ballgowns.
And everything needed to be ready within the hour.
I was thrown, naturally.
But also… surprisingly adaptable.
If I forgot something, it was no longer my responsibility.
And there was something oddly freeing in that.
But then we got on the train.
And that’s where things got interesting.
Because although I was outwardly fine, internally my mind had started racing.
Where were we going?
What was the timing?
What happened next?
When it appeared Larry had miscalculated the train schedule and we’d be waiting forty minutes, I found myself becoming irrationally stressed.
Late for what, exactly?
I had absolutely no idea.
And yet there I was.
Then when we arrived in London and sat down for champagne, I must have asked four separate times whether we had enough time.
Enough time for what remained entirely unclear.
Larry’s phrase of the weekend quickly became:
“Don’t worry. You’re not in charge.”
Which was both amusing and, apparently, deeply necessary.
Because I was genuinely surprised by how unsettled I felt.
Nothing was wrong.
Nothing had gone wrong.
I simply wasn’t the one steering.
Eventually, of course, the surprise unfolded.
And it was wonderful.
Three nights in a beautiful London hotel.
Champagne.
Incredible food.
Being completely spoiled.
And then the loveliest surprise of all — friends arriving at dinner who had celebrated with us the year before.
It was thoughtful, generous, and genuinely magical.
I couldn’t have asked for more.
But what has stayed with me most wasn’t the hotel or the champagne.
It was the realisation.
Have I always been like this?
Or is this something that comes with age?
Is it that after years of being responsible for yourself, making decisions, solving problems, and holding things together, being the person not in control starts to feel uncomfortable?
Or has this always been there, and I’ve simply never noticed because I’ve usually been the one organising things?
I honestly don’t know.
But I do know this.
Midlife has a funny way of revealing things about us.
Not necessarily changing who we are.
But shining a light on patterns we hadn’t properly examined.
And perhaps that’s what this weekend gave me.
Not just a beautiful celebration.
But a mirror.
A quiet opportunity to notice where I grip tightly.
And to ask myself why.
Because perhaps letting go of control doesn’t mean becoming a completely different person.
Maybe it simply means loosening your hold a little.
Trusting that not knowing what comes next doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong.
And allowing someone else to steer, every now and then.
Even if your instinct is to arrive three hours early just in case.
So, where in your life do you find it hardest to let go of control? Leave a Comment below to let me know.
This week on YouTube
On YouTube this week, the solo travel fears series continues with fear number three:
What if I get lost?
Which, if I’m honest, is slightly amusing given I have managed to get lost on pretty much every solo trip I’ve ever taken.
And yet somehow… I’m still here.
So this week I’m unpacking that fear — what getting lost has actually looked like in real life, why it feels so much bigger before you leave, and what I’ve learned from all those wrong turns over the years. See it for yourself HERE.
And if you’re in the mood for something longer and a little more sunshine-filled, I’ve gone right back into the archives to 2018, when I spent six months living in Antigua.
In THIS longer video, I share how I explored the islands around what had temporarily become home — by ferry.
From Antigua itself, to its quieter sister island Barbuda, the lush nature island of Dominica, and the surprisingly French feel of Martinique.
Because one of the things I loved most about that chapter was discovering how completely different each island felt, despite being neighbours.
Take whichever feels right for you this week.
Thank you for being here — whether you read every word or just dip in now and then.
Until next time,
Safe travels,
Sue x
This may contain affiliate links. If you choose to use them, I may receive a small commission — thank you. You’ll never pay more, and my opinions are always my own.
P.S. Helpful travel resources I genuinely use can always be found below:
🏠 For accommodation, I use Expedia and Booking.com primarily. They have their own loyalty schemes which is easy to progress through the levels for better discounts and inclusions.
🚍 For tours and activities, my preferred supplier is Get Your Guide.
🗺️ For multi day or week tours, check out G Adventures. I used them for trips in Costa Rica, Peru, and Galapagos.
🧳 For luggage storage on your travels, I recommend the service by Bounce.
