Why this? Why now?

Updated on July 29th, 2020

Kos, Greece 2010

I can’t believe it’s been over 11 months since I lost Terry.  I think that’s why I wanted to create this blog.  I have been through so much, mainly in the privacy of my own little world, my thoughts, my reflections, our past, my future, that I felt it was important to me to document it.  Maybe it’s fear that when it stops being so raw, I’ll forget things.  There may come a time when I don’t hear his voice all the time, when I don’t consider every decision through a “what would Terry do?” filter, when I don’t do things & relate them in my head in preparation for making it an entertaining story for Terry.

I kind of hope this never happens. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to lose the certainty I have of knowing the answers to all these things because of who & what we were. I don’t want to get over the confusion of what tense to use whenever I talk about him & us because it feels too weird to talk about Terry in the past. He is so much part of my life over the last 20 years, which have been so much fun, so supported, so much loved, that to say it’s in the past feels like a disservice. I hope Terry is never in my past & I hope never to lose his perspective on life.

I also have the fear that one day it’ll properly hit me that he’s not here anymore. I am terrified of that thought in the same way I’m terrified about what will happen when or if it does hit me. I don’t feel I’ve hit rock bottom yet but some people have said, this may not be how it happens to me. Maybe I just bounce along the bottom, continuing to function but have the moments, days (mainly isolated ones so far) when I do really struggle. When I do just lie on the floor outside the bathroom in a foetal position & cry, when I can’t speak to anyone without welling up, when I actually can’t get up & get on with it because what would Terry say if he knew?

I know he would allow me my moments to wallow in self-pity but not for long, maybe this has been my driving force so far. But if it does ever hit me, if I ever do finally realise it’s actually happened – brace yourselves, to lose something so powerful & such a part of me won’t be at all pretty!

Xx

 

 

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